or place or way to say goodbye.
I haven't had the closest or easiest relationship with my father during the past 2 years. I mean, he and my parents divorced when I was 2 and I didn't hear from him again until I was 18 and in college<--that's a long ass time isn't it? Even after we...I guess you can say "met" again, I didn't click with him as well as I did my older sister. I guess there was too much from the past between us, on both of our parts.
A few months ago, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and that was enough of a scare for me because I've lost 3 aunts to it and I know the stress and pain it puts a family through. Well...on Tuesday I woke up to phone calls from my aunt, cousin and sister telling me that he wasn't doing to well. I rushed over to the house and felt like I had stepped into another world. I mean it seemed like he had gone from being fine to just...at death's door. He could barely talk and when he did, it hurt him to and just being so small that I could see his ribs through his skin.
That day was his last day here because he died 2 hours later and now I can't help but to feel guilty and envious. Guilty because I didn't call or spend as much time with him as I could have and I can honestly say that it was because of my feelings about him not being around during the years when I needed him the most but now I realize that none of that mattered and I missed out on the 2nd opportunity that God gave me to have my father back in my life. Envious because while we all are grieving... his sisters and my cousins and sisters and brothers...even my nieces and nephews had more time, more memories with him than I will ever have....
A few months ago, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and that was enough of a scare for me because I've lost 3 aunts to it and I know the stress and pain it puts a family through. Well...on Tuesday I woke up to phone calls from my aunt, cousin and sister telling me that he wasn't doing to well. I rushed over to the house and felt like I had stepped into another world. I mean it seemed like he had gone from being fine to just...at death's door. He could barely talk and when he did, it hurt him to and just being so small that I could see his ribs through his skin.
That day was his last day here because he died 2 hours later and now I can't help but to feel guilty and envious. Guilty because I didn't call or spend as much time with him as I could have and I can honestly say that it was because of my feelings about him not being around during the years when I needed him the most but now I realize that none of that mattered and I missed out on the 2nd opportunity that God gave me to have my father back in my life. Envious because while we all are grieving... his sisters and my cousins and sisters and brothers...even my nieces and nephews had more time, more memories with him than I will ever have....
*sigh*
All I can say is:
RIP Daddy. I love you
All I can say is:
RIP Daddy. I love you
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