Time To Get It Together

When I left Xavier at the end of my freshman year....I was a bundle of confusion. I didn't know which direction I was going, I didn't know what I wanted to do or if I even still had the desire for school that I had in the beginning so I did what, at the time, I felt was necessary and decided to take time off and figure out the right path for me....that was in 2008 and it's now 2012 and, I'm sooo disappointed in myself to say, that I haven't returned to school yet. I worked, I volunteered, I gave myself that time off to grow and get to know myself and I'm finally at a place in my life where I can say that I am truly ready to go back to school. I may not return to Xavier...I may decide to do school online just to give myself more flexibility while I work because I've found that I love working almost as much as I love writing......that was another thing: with everything that I had going on my freshman year: I lost my love for writing, even after being published twice, I felt my passion for writing fade away. Well I'm so glad that passion has returned full force and with it my drive to get my bachelors degree in Mass Communications has returned with it. SOOO....with the help of my wonderful boyfriend being in my corner: that's what I'm going to do: I'm going to find a great job, find an online school with a great communications program and GET.MY.DEGREE. It's time for me to stand up, reach out and grab my future with everything in me and achieve the greatness that I know I'm capable of.

F.Y.I.

there's nothing I hate more in this world than an insecure female.

 "A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity."

--Robert A. Heinlein 

Just Like Glass...

 

"It's crazy how your best friend can downgrade to a a distant associate so quickly."

It took me sometime but I realized that everyone that may have been a GOOD friend to me wasn't exactly a BEST friend to me...I'm sorry but there is no way that as "best" friends I should have had to deal with someone's jealousy issues and insecurities since high school (and we became friends in 8th grade!) I would be lying if I said that there weren't a lot of good, no GREAT, times with our friendship but there were equally as mean HORRIBLE times. That friendship taught me a lot and for that I'll always cherish it and love it but the end of the friendship that everyone thought would last a lifetime just proves true the statement that not everything last forever.

Cleansing Time

I can honestly say that this has truly been a few of the craziest weeks in my life and I am in no rush to repeat the experience, believe me lol. I learned a lot about some of the different people in my life and I can't lie...my perceptions on a few of them changed: some for the better and some for the worse. But at the end of the day: I know it's all a part of helping me grow into the person I need to be.

Let's see, where to start? I guess with the most surprising part. Someone that I considered a "best" friend, even a "sister", showed me her true colors and how she truly felt about me and even though it hurt a lot at first and still hurts now, I'm glad I know all of this now rather than years down the line ya know? I've learned to put the people in my life in categories and keep them there, for my own sake and for the first time ever, I feel no guilt about doing it.

What I'm about to say now...I don't believe it and neither do my two girls that I told about it but here goes: I've finally gotten the strength to let my ex-boyfriend pull completely out of my life. Even though, it only happened because of an argument we had, I realized that no matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried, it was never going to be good enough for him. I've given him nothing but my love and all that was in me since the age of 15 (and I'm 21 now) and he basically threw it back in my face and said that it meant nothing at all. Well, I told him if that was the case, then I'd just get out of his life since I mean nothing to him...I expected for myself to break down but instead? I felt such a feeling of relief that it took me for a surprise. I can finally move on from him and find the person that God meant for me who WILL appreciate and love me the way I'm meant to be loved.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I think some people need to learn what the real meaning of being friends is. Not the elementary school meaning of the word, which some people never grow out of but the ADULT meaning of being someone's friend.

I never thought I'd say this but now I realize why my mother made sure that I could stand on my own two feet and on my own and why she taught me to never really need others...it kills me how I give my all to every person that I call or have ever called a "friend" and in the end, I still feel alone.

Yes, I love to go out and have fun but that's not all of the time. I expect for REAL friends to understand when I'm tired and just wanna relax and NOT be given grief over it. I'm all for a few jokes here and there but there comes a point when it's considered going too far and some people don't understand that.


People that claim to be "best friends" didn't seem to catch on that after awhile the jokes weren't funny anymore but the minute my little sister saw my face she knew something was wrong....I told her what happened and even SHE couldn't get why they were acting like that...what does that say?

It's funny because there have been sooo many times when I haven't wanted to go out or even be bothered with them but I did it anyway. Wanna know why? because I was trying to be a good friend and this is what I get in return?

If that's the case, then I'd rather not have anymore close friends and just keep everyone as acquaintances and associates because obviously having friends hurts.

H*e Shit PSA

Being a hoe has never BEEN, is NOT and will never BE something to be proud of!

 

I swear fo' Jesus I've heard more than my share of h*e shit in the first few months of 2010 than I heard in all of 2009 and 2008 put together and that disturbs every little bone in my 5'0 130 lbs body *smdh*.

I thought most of these celebs would've learned to be more...select in who they did they dirt with after Superhead oh I'm sorry, I mean Karrine Steffans exposed their asses in her 1st two books but obviously not because who do we have now? Tiger Woods 3-pages of mistresses and Kat Stacks.

I am in no way saying hoeing is a good thing but dayum! at least Superhead* got paid for her hoe ways! She was able to at least take care of herself and her child but this basic bisch Kat Stacks? According to her blog, which I refuse to link!, she's done the down and dirty with Bow Wow(who no one has taken seriously since umm lemme think...ever!), Aaron Carter aka the little brother of Nick Carter(Backstreet Boys), Jae Millz and Lil Twist from Young Money, and Lil Za(?). lol no seriously wth is Lil Za? 

**note to self* time to learn these new artists**

Now I feel the need to say this: 
hoes need to be taken out back and put out of everyone's misery!
*shrugs*
Sorry if you don't like it, oh well that's me
#getthefuckoverit

I'm sure most of us have that one friend/associate that is a hoe. I mean we may try to clean it up or make it sound better than it is but screw that. If she's sleeping with married men, brothers, friends, cousins, godbrothers, anything along those lines...she's a hoe! I'm sorry but if you've slept with 2 or more family members or friends in the same group...you need to stitch your va-jay-jay(c) ->B.Scott<- up and find another purpose for your life because guess what dear?...you've just become a flipper.

If that was you're life's dream, then congratulations: you've succeeded.

It amazes me how some females can say with a straight face and a good heart that they're just doing what other females are doing. *side-eye* uh huh and if all of those other females were lining up to jump off the empire state building would you be right there with em?....if you have to hesitate and actually think about that, then do us both a favor and #killyourself right now. Thank you.

I understand that some people have had a hard childhood. No father, no mother, they were abused, etc etc but at some point in time we all have to decide what we want our lives to become. It's called personal responsibility: learn it, love it and live it 'kay? If you're gonna do h*e shit at least be smart enough to wear a gauddamn condom!!

*looks around and whispers*
I don't know if y'all have heard or not but there's this disease going around that kills
*screams*
it's called AIDS/HIV!!!

Is Kindness A Weakness?

"Respect is more important than friendship"
 

Lately, I've really started to question some of the people that I consider "friends" and as my girl pointed out to me a few days ago, I do too much for EVERYONE around me and maybe that needs to stop for them to appreciate it more. I've always been a naturally kind person. I will always go that extra mile and sometimes go out of my way to do things for people that I consider "friends" and I've started to notice that it's not always returned...not in the slightest way.

I give a lot of myself because growing up as a child, that was what I saw my grandmother do and she is THE kindest person anyone will ever meet in this world.

Now  though?

I'm done with that.

I have friends who just take and take from me and then seem to get mad when I want to be left alone for a little while. I enjoy spending time with my friends and yeah sure I'll entertain you guys when you're bored because you do it for me BUT there does come a point when I want to be A-L-O-N-E okay? I mean my mother raised me to be able to entertain and take care of myself for hours at a time. Also last time, I checked it was NOT my responsibility to be anyone's source of entertainment.

Another thing, there have been plenty of times that I've gone BROKE buying food or other things for these so-called "friends" because, in my opinion, that's what friends do for one another. Only to turn around later and when it's time to return the favor, all of a sudden...it can't be done.

"Don't take my kindness for weakness"

A lot of things are about to change with the way I let my "friendships" continue on and anyone who doesn't like it is more than welcome to walk out of the 'Exit' door because my mother & grandmother raised me to be kind, not weak which is what I feel like they think I am and that is SOOO far from the truth.

I Sooo Hate......

extreme overly sensitive niggas and females!
That shit irks every bone in my body to the 100th degree 

and more importantly, it just screams "B.I.T.C.H." to me.

Let me explain.

I'm the type of female that believes there is a FINE line between being sensitive and just being a Bitch. Nowadays, it seems as though everybody is going through their time of the month every day of the year and I'm sick of it. I'ma need all the people this applies to, to take that goddamn tampon out and throw that muhfucka away, 'kay?

I mean damn! maybe it's just the fact that I come from a cut-throat ass family that talks such shit about each other constantly, in a good AND bad way, that I have tougher skin than most people but fuck!! If that's the case, get me a ticket and book me a flight on the next plane outta here cause this shit ain't for me.

I know I sound a lil on the mean side right now but fuck it, that's just the type of person I am. I've NEVER been one of these sensitive females, except for a few rare times and those were in understandable circumstances. I know most people have heard this before "don't throw shit out if you can't handle it being thrown back at you."

Extinction of Loyalty

 

Webster gives the following definition for loyalty:

1) the state or quality of being loyal;faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

2) faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc. 

3)an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence or the likeness.

My definition of loyalty:

1)something that you give only a few people in this world 

2)no matter what happens you have each others back. 

3)most importantly: being able to say, with confidence, that you trust that person 100%.

Over the years, I've learned a very important lesson: 

"All those I'm loyal to aren't always loyal to me."

More and more now a days, loyalty is becoming only a memory. Females dating close friends ex-boyfriends or guys that their girl is involved with. Guys going behind their boys back and messing with their girl. Family members back-stabbing each other. Treating people who've always had your back as if they were a stranger or your enemy.

I mean really ladies, how can you date the ex boyfriend of someone that you call your "sister"? How can you go behind your girls back and talk to a dude that you KNOW she's talking to and have no problem with it? Guys are just as guilty as females of doing that to someone they call their "brother". Family members turning their back on each other or not being there for one another when it's necessary is...shocking to me because I come from a family that, no matter WHAT, when it comes to the blood in our veins? It's always going to be us against the world if something is going on.

Where's the loyalty?

I understand what some people mean when they say "I came in this world alone and that's the way I'm gonna leave it." because even though that is true, you can't go through life alone. You're going to need someone to have your back at one point in time, trust me.

"The best things in life are never rationed. 
Friendship, loyalty, love do not require coupons."
--George Hewitt

A little Honesty

 

This is going to be different from my other posts but it has to be said.

Excuse me for being blunt but I'm pissed off.

*clears throat*

95% of the time...I just don't give a fck okay?

Let me explain:

Usually I'm one of the most caring people that you will ever meet in this world. I take the time to listen to all of my friend's problems, be the support that they need and all of that other stuff<--of course that goes for my family as well<--.

BUT!!!! There does come a time when I've had enough of consoling someone over the same thing. Yes, I understand that we all experience lost and it's always hard to handle it but guess what? the world goes on and life goes with it. If everyone that had ever experienced a lost was unable to move on....we all would be stuck back in the cavemen days.

Maybe this is the bitch side of that I try to keep tucked away deep down inside of me but I'm at the point right now where...I don't care about it anymore. I have my own issues to deal with and I'm not crying on every available shoulder, now am I?

Sooner or later, we all have to learn to stand on our own two feet and handle our issues on our own.

If you can't....sorry but then you're officially fucked.

*shrugs*

Perception Can Be Deadly

Birds of a feather don't always flock together.

Before I get started let me give y'all a lil 411 on my girl Erica*. We've been friends for a nice amount of time now and for awhile there, I thought that I knew the type of person that she was. Well...slap me in the face because obviously I wasn't only wrong BUT I don't know her at all...I just know the front that she put up for us to see.

Now I have never been the type of person to judge anyone else. Just because of a)the type of person I am b)my family has its own skeletons that I would hate to be judged on and c)it's not my place or right to judge anyone. BUT I am entitled to my own opinions and after getting all of this info from someone that's been there 1st hand and has seen all of these incidents, I hate to say this but...Erica is a h**.

I'm a friendly person so I will befriend anyone regardless of what others may have to say about it. I'm also a firm believer that if you're over the age of 18, then you are truly 100% grown and capapble of understanding your actions and dealing with the consequences, like a grown person should. Once it becomes obvious that isn't the case, then I have to re-evaluate things. I give people chance after chance to show that I should keep them in my life because I usually have a good sense of someone.


If it ever gets to the point that YOU'RE actions and behavior have people looking at me out of the corner of they're eye and wondering if I'm the same type of person that you are and if I get down the way that you do, then it's time to let you go because NOTHING is as important as my reputation and dignity. If maintaining both means that I have to lose a "friend" then so be it.


I said all of that because Erica* has quite the reputation and, as I'm sure, you've all figured out by now, it isn't a good one. Honestly, it's one of the worst reputations a young woman should want to have: as the h**. I've always heard and people have always been firm believers of the saying "Birds of a feather flock together" and even though it's not always the truth...perception is deadly.

Feels so good to be */Free/*

Christmas is about giving to others and while that's true, this year I gotta admit that I plan on being a little selfish. My gift to myself this year? Being beyond happy that I'm out of my last relationship and free to only worry about me now!! I can honestly say that from May of last year to February of this year: THAT is an experience I never want to have again.

My last relationship went from the highest that it could be to the lowest of the lows, so low that for months afterwards I couldn't even hear his name without wanting to scream at the top. of. my. lungs but now? Now he is completely out of my system.

I broke my rule of never dating younger guys and military men for him and it backfired & slapped me in the face: hard. He wasn't ready for a serious relationship like I was and allowed to many outside factors to interveene between us. The distance? Long-distance in the same country is hard but long-distance when your significant other is 1/2 across the world? Damn near impossible to make it work *shrugs* sorry just being honest. Between him working, me in school, and the time difference: we talked maybe 2 or 3 times a week and that was on a good week okay?

I was ready to marry this guy, leave my family behind and move 1/2 across the world for his ass but ohh! I thank God for the signs that he sent me to show me that wasn't what He had planned. During that time I dealt with a crazy ex-girlfriend who not only was younger than me but felt it necessary to involve both of her goddaughters (who are at least 14 & younger) and his grandfather (I'll save him for later b/c whoo!!) in our issues, and his hypocritical family's comments. All of that on top of dealing with my own family issues and a miscarriage of a baby that I wanted with everything in me.

Now his grandfather....to this day I still do not comprehend what his problem with me was that made him treat me the way he did. 1st) he would never call me by my name. It was always "you" or "that girl". 2nd) after he found out I was pregnant, he made us watch a movie about an unwed pregnant girl who finds God *side-eye* can you imagine how awkward and uncomfortable I felt? 3rd) he encouraged Marine's ex girlfriend to attempt and get back with him...during the entire time that we were together! Ohh did I mention that he was doing all of this AND he's a pastor of his own church? 4) I attended one of his services one day and he gave a sermon on the evil's of being gay **at the time I was close friends with someone who is gay** and on how having babies outside of marriage is the worst sin of all for everyone involved. People like him are way Christian's drift away from the church, because we can no longer go there without being judged. Only God can judge me and while you do deliver his word, you are not Him and never will be.

I tried to end the relationship on a...not good but at least civil level but that wasn't good for him. After coming home from basic training at Parris Island, I heard from plenty of mutual friends that he was a) calling me outside of my name and b)lying and exaggerating about the circumstances of our break-up. After hearing that so many times, I quickly put an end to that and exposed him for what he was: a liar.

After all of that he's tried to be friends with me but I don't think I'll ever reach that place where I can be friends with him. I didn't even name all of the things that happened during and after our relationship but I do have some respect for people's privacy. All that matters is that I'm happy and more importantly I'm F-R-E-E!!!!!

"Ain't no feeling like being free
When your mind's made up

and your hearts in the right place, yeah

ain't no feeling like being free

when you've done all you could

but what's misunderstood

it's all good, it's all good

ain't no feeling like being free

I'm like an eagle set free

and finally I'm looking out for me

ain't no feeling like being free

cause my minds made up

and my heart is in the right place, yeah!"

Misery's Business...time to tell it like it is

I guess today is just the day for me to be hit with shockers huh? Not too long after I got the news from my girl Andra, I got a text from my friend Tee telling me that an old "friend" of ours had gotten married....think I'd be happy about that right? yeah well I'm not.


Let me 1st explain about me and Leigh's friendship. We met in the 7th grade and clicked instantly. Unfortunately we fell out of touch when she switched to another school but got close again when I transfered to that same school my 10th grade year.  That was my girl right there, we kicked it, laughed, talked, cried, fell in and out of love together. S**t we couldn't have been closer than sisters....then Katrina hit and she moved to Texas. Now I've never been one to judge my friends on what they do but I'ma just be real here since this is MY place to say what I want: Leigh was a hoe. Ain't no way to sugar-coat it, that's straight raw realness.

"Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change."

-------Misery Business, Paramore

Now my junior year I started dating a boy named Rory and skipping over the boring parts: we began to fall out and he and Leigh began to get even closer and closer. At first I didn't really notice anything but after awhile it began to become obvious that they're "friendship" was becoming more & just like I expected: after we broke up they quickly began dating, even though it was long distance.


My whole issue with that situation is: there were 7 girls in our group in high school and we all agreed that dating each other's ex's was against the rules and something that we would NEVER do to each other and for her to go back and do THAT to me after we had been so close for so long hurt me on a level that I can't begin to imagine.


Honestly, I feel bad for Rory because it's knowledge to all of us that she's cheated on him through their entire relationship, their engagement and their new-found marriage...now I say though: f**k it cause it's obvious that she's happy settling for someone else's sloppy seconds and he's happy being in a relationship with his eyes closed.


That isn't my business because I've removed myself from both of their lives. I'll leave you all with this quote that says it all: "I can handle my enemies Lord, it's my friends that I need your help with."